Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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