Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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