my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
