You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
