Your tits are I can't wait for
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
