I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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