Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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