OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
