break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize