There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
