a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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