Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
