My Higher Power is John Stamos
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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