Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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