I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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