i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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