I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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