Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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