Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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