Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
