i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
