I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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