I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
