Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
