Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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