wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
