omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
These tits shall not be calmed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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