do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
