Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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