guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
