Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I'm really busy with my period
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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