We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
