I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
