Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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