I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
