I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
