I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
