A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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