So drunk its hurt
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
