i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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