the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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