I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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