He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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