If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
