So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
