We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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