Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
