I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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