my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
