come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
