He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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