Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i've created a new STD.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
