I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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