I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
