so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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