I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
