my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Randomize
