my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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