...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
